Emergency Pants

When Brent and I first got married, we lived in a VERY small, VERY hot, VERY ugly, brown, single wide trailer. It was awful, but very cheap, so we were grateful. Every morning when I got up to get ready, I was so hot, I never got dressed until I walked out the door. I kept getting make up all over my shirts when I would pull them on! So I would put on my underwear, my shirt, even my jewelry and sit down and do my make up. I would not, however, put on pants, it was just too hot.
WELL, one morning I was late, distracted and not in a great mood to say the least. I sped through getting dressed, ran to the car and headed to work. (My job being in Mesquite) As I neared the end of my driveway, I realized, that I had FORGOT to put pants on!! I was horrified! So I back up, and stopped my car. Now, above mentioned trailer was on the main highway, and my neighbors where very close. I darted from my car to the house, thanking the good Lord every step for garments and all they covered. Tragedy averted!!
Always being hard headed and learning lessons the hard way: I repeated the same above scenario a week later! Except this time I was almost out of the valley before I noticed I had NO PANTS ON!! (You may be thinking at this point; who forgets pants?)
I turned around and drove all the way home. I pulled into the driveway and prayed with all my heart my neighbors were in the house and not standing near a window! I exited the car and darted toward the trailer. As my foot hit the bottom stair to get in, the neighbors truck roared to life. I was startled and spun around to see them sitting in their truck, completely dumb founded. They had been there the whole time. They just starred at me. I wanted to cry.
From that day forth, there had been an extra pair of jeans stashed in my car. Because you never know when you need emergency pants!

Festivity Fun

Ahh...the holiday season it brings on an increased sense of euphoric jubilee! Thus leading me to do things I otherwise would not. For example...

1)Forgetting that I come from a long line of women who hate to cook. (Can you blame them? My grandma was cooking for 9 kids and my mom was cooking for the world's pickiest eaters) I have made a giant batch of cereal treats, 5 loaves of lemon bread and now I'm on to my latest disaster cinnamon/swirl cookies. Really, what was I thinking? The cookies are what did me in. Horrible recipe that sticks, sticks, sticks and then they want you to roll it into an 8"x12" log. Ha! I had a crazy burst of festive madness on that log and beat it into wooden-rolling-pin submission! I may have to eat these cookies myself since they could be spreading around bad karma, with their ill-wrought origin.

2)Buying unfamiliar or unnecessary products with the intention of being "fancy." I'm a vanilla girl, an imitation vanilla girl at that. So, in light of my jubilancy, I bought vanilla EXTRACT. Oh my! Whoooeee! I took one whiff and had to read the label. WHAT I had really purchased was 35% alcohol. Happy cookies to me! AM I the only one who didn't know that's what extract means in vanilla? Santa would you like your sugar cookies with a vanilla chaser?

3)Failing to remember necessities. One year, which my family (of ribbons, wrapping,and bags genes) will never let me live down, was the year I thought I had Christmas paper only to realize I was sadly mistaken. Hence a trip to Home Hardware, where else do you go in a one-horse town, to buy wrapping paper? Only to discover that I was the last person on Christmas Eve to buy such an integral piece of the holidays and my choices were Sponge Bob or hmm Sponge Bob. Ohhhh who lives in a pineapple under the TREE? On the plus side, I didn't need to include tags that year. Not that I do anyway. My beloved Sharpie works just fine and I save some trees.

My list could continue but now it's your turn to share in the madness. What is your Festivus "mess"tivus? (Yes I know it's cheesy, but I just had to throw festivus in there somewhere.)

My Dirty Little Secret

I've been holding this precious little nugget of a secret for awhile now. I thought it up this summer after contemplating how to take advantage of wasteful gov't resource/spending. It's hard to follow the ping-ponging, chain of thoughts formulating in the hamster wheel I call a brain, so I'll get to the point before I start blah blah blahing too much.

A few Sunday's ago my husband was asked to share a few thoughts to the church congregation to fill up time. An unprepared (basically) spontaneous moment of spirituality. Keep in mind our services are currently in Spanish, so unless I wear a headset, that never works and my children try to a)strangle me with or b)munch, I only have a vague idea of what's going on. My Espanol is currently limited to basic nouns and explicit adjectives! So, I was listening to my husband and following along as best as I could, getting the overall praise he was pouring out to me and then he started to laugh in a kindly manner and the rest of the hermanos chimed in. I smiled my best supportive wife smile and lovingly gazed into my husband's eyes and then grabbed the pilot, stylus supreme pen my daughter was using to break the 6th commandment. After he sat down I thanked him for his kind words, he smiled and asked if I had understood and I said "yes, for the most part," and we went on with toddler UFC, I mean church.

What I didn't know was that the cat had been let out of the bag. My secret wish blasted from the pulpit by my own husband. I didn't know the bishopric now knew I wanted to to to jail until the 2nd counselor asked me about it? Yes, you heard correctly, I'm contemplating jail. Guilty, pre-meditated, tax-fraud jail. In a state of desperation I decided jail wasn't so bad-no cleaning, cooking, kids or money and I could lay all day on my bed and read. Sounds great right? Except those other minor details I'm feigning ignorance of.

Of course I would never dream of sharing this with anyone but my closest of amigas but alas, the whole LDS Spanish speaking community now knows. And I think they are afraid I'm planning something drastic, as anyone walking in front of me keeps glancing over their shoulder. So if you see me and run, know that I will understand, but for the record it was just an ill-guarded secret.

Butt Cracks

Yes, you read that right. When I was in high school, the latest fashion of pants was 'hip huggers'. Everyone was excited and a little scandalized by these low pants that hugged your hip bones and sloped in the front; coming to rest about an inch and a half below your belly button. There wasn't really a need for a thong, but one could be worn. My senior year I bought a pair of pants labeled, 'very low'. These pants were about 2 inches below my belly button all the way around. Gasp! Scandal!
Now as an old lady, I am shocked to see the rise of pants these days!! EVERY TIME a young girl bends over, I am a captive audience for a full view of her butt crack! I have always asked myself, Why can't she feel a slight breeze whistling though her back regions? I assumed such wardrobe malfunctions were done in ignorance and I was embarrassed for those poor people.
Recently I have purchased a pair of pants that are LOW. I have to wear a long shirt and an undershirt. I constantly have to tug the pants up and the shirts down. I am conscious of the fact that mere millimeters below my waist band is a part of me I DO NOT want displayed to the general public!
I went to the park the other day with my sister and niece and nephew; wearing above mentioned pants. I squatted down to scoop Ella out of the sand. My pants plummeted below, what I like to call, the fault line and I felt a definite exposure to the natural forces! I KNEW my bum was hanging out! I could obviously feel the air on my skin, and my waist band slide below my cheeks.
SOOOO, that leads me to believe.....THAT THESE BUTT BARERS' EVERYWHERE ARE AWARE OF THEIR EXPOSURE AND DO NOT PREVENT IT!! Gross!! Girls, it is not sexy and/or alluring, nor does it 'turn guys on' to see your butt crack. (I know, because I asked) I was informed by 100% of my census, that the BUTT CRACK is the LEAST desirable part of the body, and as one of sources put it, "Do you know what that place is for?" SO please do us all a favor and hold your pants up if you find the need to squat down. Because, as I stated before, GROSS!!

Old People.... and driving....

I have been a blah blah blah slacker! I haven't been able to think of something enlightening to blaaahg about! But today...oh today... as I followed an old man, who was in such a hurry he pulled out in front of me, going 35 miles per hour in a 55 zone. It was then!!! THEN!!! That I knew what I must blaaahhg about:

OLD PEOPLE AND THEIR CRAPPY DRIVING!!
I really should be grateful for the snow birds, they are a good thing for our little economy. But I can not tell you the hundreds(yes I say hundreds!) of times I have followed a creeping old man or woman through the streets of Moapa Valley, going 10-20 miles UNDER the speed limit. I really don't have an emergency or need to be to Lins as fast as possible. But really people, must I go 35 miles per hour the entire length of the valley. I feel that if an individual is too afraid to drive the speed limit and must brake to a near stop on the curves..... THAT PERSON SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING!! Does this drive anybody else crazy!?

Desperation

I ran out of Kleenex SO,

I'm now toting a bandanna which by the way is not very absorbent. My greatest fear is it may land me on "people of Wal-Mart for exhibiting hick behavior. Where do you find those lady "hankies" my grandma used to keep neatly tucked, ironed, and folded in her purse?

I ran out/can't find my chapstick (I think a hungry little tot mistook it for a tasty snack) SO,

I rummaged through my toiletry drawer and found a tube of lanolin, the #1 product of comfort for sore______of breast-feeding mothers. Yes, that is now what I recommend for sore nostrils, not that other "n" word I refuse to say that rhymes with ripples. It's really thick and no matter how many times you wipe, it stays put! It smells a little "natural" but I'm pretty congested so that really isn't a problem.

I couldn't bring myself to battle my one-year-old son into a 3rd outfit SO,

I let his sister dress him, in her princess dress-up clothes. hahahaha Think of it as an alternative to a kilt, it was even blue (thank-you Cinderella)

My daughter ran out of clean panties SO,

thankfully she has a pair of orange-checked bloomers from an old dress that did the job. Note-they don't go well under knit pants. Stick to loose fitting clothing.

Hopefully I will soon cease my acts of desperation and feel as if I want to embrace living again i.e. purchase Kleenex and do some laundry.

What are your acts of desperation?

Somebody's Been Eating My Porridge

You all are familiar with Goldilocks and the three Bears right? Papa bear, mama bear and baby bear get their breakfast munched by a little girl who has negligent parents. Well, somebody has been eating my butter.


My spreadable butter has been desecrated. But I haven't seen Goldilocks anywhere. Which leads me to the conclusion that Papa Bear has been using a steak knife in the butter again!

Which gets me thinking about sharing...

Sharing is caring right? Yes, except for in the case of...
-Butter: obviously you can see why
-Roasted carrots: I really like them, okay that's an understatement I LOVE them, I have been known to spear off predators with my trusty fork. My own father even.
-Chapstick: germs, germs, germs. On occasion I will share a drink, but never chapstick. And no I don't mean "sharing a drink at the Red Rooster" I mean sharing a drink, any drink, in a cup!
-See's Candy: I only give my husband the kind I don't like. hehehehe I think he might be on to me but knows what I'm like, so takes what he can. Good man.
-Ice Cream: I've even attacked my own offspring over this one.
-Expo Dry Erase Markers: I horde them like a squirrel stashing nuts for the winter. I don't like the feel someone else will leave on MY markers. I don't like the thought that my precious babies could be reduced to stubs by one careless exclamation point. And some people do not listen for a click to make sure the lid is securely in place. Confession: I used to hide them from my team teacher. (Sorry L, you know I'm crazy)
-The Grinch on Whoville-opoly-he's mine! I'm the Grinch! Together we rule the board! In case you were wondering, this is Monopoly with Grinchy characters.

Most of these have to do with food. Can you tell where my priorities lie?

However, there are things that I will share (some of them even involve food)...
Books-My cause is literacy. I will discuss literature with anyone from age 1-100. My teacher background will get me up on the literacy soap box faster than anything else. Even though I love my books, I love to share them even more.
Cookies-I feel particularly festive and generous around the holidays, thus leading me to share food.
My toys-It's more fun to play with someone!
My writing-hence the blah blah blahg, maybe you're wishing I'd stop spreading this love around.
Good deals-I want all consumers to experience the joy of getting a product for less. And, no I don't work for Wal-Mart sales management.

What do you like to share/not share?